This decision is personal, when it comes to 12 step recovery. This is not a religious program and we are free to choose a higher power of our own understanding.

Let me share an aspect of my spiritual journey with you;

Growing up I went to Sunday school, at a Christian church. As a youngster, I felt a very deep connection to God, and I had some very real experiences which are tangible to me, even today. My childhood was turbulent, to say the least, but I do remember a short period when I had a real inner peace.  I’m not 100% sure but I was probably between 8 and 10 years old. I remember being fascinated by the bible. I wanted to type out the whole bible on my laptop, and I actually started. I also worked on building a scale model of the ark. I didn’t get far with either but I had a passion. Being an ideas guy, sometimes the gap between my ambition and my follow-through was wide, so this was also a factor, but passionate nonetheless.
A specific memory encapsulates this period quite nicely; It was a winter night in Johannesburg, and I was in bed, feeling pretty cold. I prayed to God to warm me up and was immediately filled with warmth. It was incredible. It is one of those private memories that I keep stored in me, it is part of my being.
Another interesting memory also happened around this time, and also while in bed. I was lying on my back looking up at the ceiling and I had a thought about time and eternity. I was thinking about there being no beginning and no end to time, it is infinite. I started a spiral and began to panic. It wouldn’t leave me. I got out of bed and went to my parents who were in the dining room having dinner. I’m not sure what I mumbled and it surely didn’t make any sense to them but I just needed to get out of my head. That was terrifying but it was a spiritual experience.

So I had a very real experience of God at an early age for a period of time. As I got older I became disconnected and went into an era of strife. Fast forward years later to being an adult and leaving rehab, kind of getting my life together, I started going to church again. I attended for a few years but I became disillusioned with it. I didn’t see any real benefit, and I lacked a feeling of connection to God. I was also annoyed but the hypocrisy of religious people in general. I didn’t feel like I was better off for going to church and following the church program. I became aware that I was only a ‘christian’ because of the circumstances of my birth. If I had been born in India I would most likely have followed the Hindu path.

I decided suddenly to reject everything I believed, in a religious sense and then open myself to the truth. I denied God, Jesus, Christianity, all the details, the Bible, the stories, the practices, church, all of it. I didn’t just stop going to church, I specifically denied the existence of God as I had been taught.
Once I had let go of all that, I was left with a blank slate. Then I said, “Ok, now show me the truth.”.

A few years later, when I got divorced, I came into the rooms of ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Homes); It was here that I found a reconnection to my higher power. After forcefully rejecting everything, what was left was an emblem of what I identify as Christ. It is in me and intertwined in my body and mind. Christ is my connection to God. This is the higher power of my understanding and my religious practice is simply, “God, grant me only knowledge of your will for me, and the power to carry that out.”. That is all. No church, no pomp or ceremony.